It has been a busy week this week. I started the new job and am still at the ‘old’ one. so days off are now spent working! Its a funny feeling going back to work at the home, a bit like going home. I can’t help but wonder whether people are going to think ‘who does she think she is’ or welcome me back as an old friend, so far so good - it seems to be the latter!

E is really walking well now, but walking with and old man shuffle like someone has put his legs in smartie tubes and he can’t bend them at the knee!! He seems to be more independent - pointing to things, wanting to read a book on his own, feeding himself - but I suppose I have to let him grow up a little bit. I can’t help but smile as he reads a book to himself, gabbling on in a language unknown to me, pointing to pictures on the page. I wonder what is going on in his mind and I wish I could work out what he is saying. All in good time I suppose. K took him for his MMR today. poor little munchkin has pin pricks in his arm, of course a good nurse, such as myself (!!!!) wouldn’t have left those marks. He went to bed with a dose of Calpol night to sooth his aching arms (and gums from the molars) with an aim for a good nights sleep.

I am going to cook up something quick easy and healthy, and rest myself from the past 24 hours of babycare, fish tank and furniture removals and work. watching 3 men move a 200 litre fish tank in a ‘to me, to you’ fashion was hilariously exhausting, only to be told when they were done that i thought it ‘needed to go left a bit’! this was greeted with groans, tuts and sighs while I was secretly laughing on the inside. I think ‘the man’ is the most comical invention ever, especially my man!!!

Time to think

I was at work today, a reasonably quiet day - so more time to spend with people individually and do what a nurse should do. i was asked to watch a short film and read the poem that was the commentary for it. It made me think that I should think more often.

Look Closer
by Phyllis McCormack

What do you see nurse? What do you see?
Are you thinking when you’re looking at me,
A crabbit old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit with faraway eyes;
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try.”
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe;
Who quite unresisting, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill;
Is that what you’re thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, you’re not looking at me.
I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still;
As I move at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another;
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she’ll meet.
A bride soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep;
At twenty-five now I have young of my own
Who need me to build a secure, happy home;
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last;
At forty, my young sons will soon all be gone,
But my man is beside me to see I don’t mourn;
At fifty, once more babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me;
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread;
For my young are all busy with young of their own
And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known;
I’m an old woman now and nature is cruel,
‘Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool;
The body it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells,
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
I’m loving and living life over again;
I think of the years all too few, gone too fast
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, open and see
Not a crabbit old woman, look closer - SEE ME.

Another day, another dollar…

I have just returned home from work after enduring, what seems to be, the hardest day of my career. i feel like the life has been drained from me and as a result am typing this post with one finger, very very slowly! K has done all the housework so I can, in his words, ‘chill out’. I like his way of thinking and that is exactly what i am going to do. E has just polished off 2 rice cakes and is now chasing a ball around the living room which is exhausting just to watch.

Day off tomorrow and as I am so drained I will be having dinner by order via telephone and delivered to my door (I think this comes under the ‘chill out’ instruction!), followed once again by a large glass of wine and an early night in an aim to wake up nice and refreshed to spend the whole day gaffooning about with the little man.

I got the job which is good news, so just waiting for the references, criminal records check and medical clearance and I’ll be on my way. It’ll be nice to have the disposable income back again! As a result of leaving my current post I have been excluded form choosing the new colour scheme for the new ward. I did tell them that this was a huge disappointment to me, but i felt that they didn’t appreciate my sarcasm.

So as the evening draws closer, I’m going to baton down the hatches, snuggle up with my boy and be just plain lazy.

Just 10 more minutes…

Well, E woke up very loudly, at stupid O’clock this morning. I cannot fathom the need that babies have to wake up loudly. Personally I’m a slow starter - opening one eye at a time, assessing the world as i go. It wouldn’t had been so hard if I hadn’t have woken for no reason at 4.30am, although I must confess that if I am awake at this time of day, especially at this time of year, I love to lie and listen to the birds singing as day breaks. No cars. No buses or children going to school (the laughter of children is equally beautiful…but not at that time of the morning!). I did fall asleep again, waking briefly as my husband said goodbye and kissed me on the forehead as he does every morning that he works. He doesn’t always realise that I’m awake when he does this, I don’t tell him, it’s a moment I like to keep all to myself.

I finally caved in at 6.30am and peeled myself out of bed to go and warm a bottle, which kept him pacified for almost 10 minutes. By 7am i was shovelling ready brek and banana into a hungry monster who was itching to get stuck into the day.

He has learnt to climb over the last week, and is a real pro at it now. I keep finding him climbing on the sofa or footstool, but he doesn’t know when to stop and we frequently find him wedged in between furniture or upside down in a corner somewhere. He never ceases to amaze us, and i start each day wondering what he’ll do next. He’s having a bit of ‘nanny time’ today while my husband and myself are at work, so he should be worn out from all of the playing and activities that nanny does with him. It makes me feel guilty really - it should be me doing all this with him but there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in my day with baby, husband, house and work. Maybe one day I’ll have enough money to give up work so i can employ someone for the housework and chores, and I too can play away the day, watching endless episodes of Thomas the tank engine with my beautiful boy - who knows what the future holds!

It’s now time to get moving. Work later so time to psyche myself up for the contant bellowing of ‘nurse, nurse’ down the ward and trying to tear myself into a million pieces to get every job done by 9.30 tonight - seems like an impossible task but i will do it, as i always do!